Co Dependency

For my entire life I thought that a co dependent person was someone that needed people to take care of them to do things for them. I have always been very independent and never would have thought of myself as being co dependent but the truth is I am. I don't need someone to take care of me at all. However I do need people to take care of. I feel empty without having someone to take care of. That was my first step in furthering the discovery of myself. I started seeing a therapist and realized that for my entire life I have put others needs ahead of my own. Some of the things I have learned in the last month and a half have been so valuable to me and they are so basic  how can I not see them. Well the answer to that is I have been stuck in a cycle and it feels so good to break out of it. Do I still have co dependent behaviors? absoloutely, it is now about me realizing that I do and stopping them. You can't change 31 years worth of habit in a month and a half. This is something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life but I know it will get better. Growing up I was always hard on myself  I thought if I was a great student, If I was a well behaved kid I would be able to get my dad to love me enough to stop drinking . I thought I just had to win him over with my love. When this didn't happen I didn't sit there and think of  the fact that it had nothing to do with me it was all to do with the choices he made for himself and for his situation. I would sit there and think what am I doing wrong what can I do better to get him to change. This has bled into my adult life. I always think if only I was good enough this would happen or that would happen. The truth is Other peoples behaviors is not a reflection of my self worth.  How knowing and understanding this piece of information would have helped me in my younger days. I don't need to be the care taker and do everything for everyone to have them like me. The truth is I need to for once in my life and going forward start making myself the priority. I can't control the decisions people make. I can't control their behaviors. I can only control myself.  I am doing much better now not obsessing over people's behavior and trying to figure out what is wrong with me that caused it. I have less stress and I am no longer emotionally exhausted 24/7  which has been an adjustment. This is starting to feel good and I am starting to feel so much better about myself.