Expectations

As far back as I can remember I have been a planner. I was going to go to USC, going to meet this guy and fall madly in lover. We were going to date for about a year and then move in together. After another year went by we were going to take a trip to Italy and he was going to propose on a gondola ride and of course I was going to cry and say yes. We would take about a year to plan a wedding and have a wonderful lavish wedding open bar of course. My sister would be my bridesmaid my dad would walk me down the isle. I would wear a beautiful dress with a diamond tiara. Well things don't always go as planned and that is a hard adjustment to make. Now I have had two long term relationships one was 5 years one was 6 almost 7. The first one was miserable I was just too scared to be alone so I was just fine when it ended. When i met the second I believed deep in my heart that this was forever. I could not imagine my life with anyone else . I was 500 percent sure that this was where I would happily spend the rest of my life. I gave my whole heart and never looked back. About 6 months into the relationship the first bump showed up and quite honestly only one of the very few bumps. I found out he did not believe in marriage and did not want to have children. I wasn't ready for marriage or children so I figured I could wait he would come around eventually. Years passed and little by little my plans were forced to change. My sister was now my brother. My dad passed away and he never changed his mind. I loved with all my heart and put my plans aside thinking love conquers all. My dads passing made me realize the importance of family. It made me realize that I did want a family I did want to get married. So I stared doing something unconsciously that looking back I wish I would have never done. I started to detach myself emotionally from everyone and everything. Time passed and I eventually realized that I was no longer sure I was in love. I knew I loved him but was I in love? That is where this journey starts the scariest part of the story is I don't know what the ending is. It could be my happily ever after ending or it could be an ending nobody wants. After i realized I no longer knew where i stood I expressed this to him. He agreed to give me some space but won't agree to take a break. In his mind either we are on or we are forever off. He is a very nice guy an amazing guy. The good guy that every girl out there is looking for and wants. Doesn't drink. do drugs, has a job. He is the guy that makes you tea when you are sick and gets you midol and tampons when you need it . Has never cheated or refered to me in any derogatory way. He has put up with my emotional rants and raves. He was there to help my dad when he needed it most without even being asked too. So what is wrong with me why does it matter that he doesn't fix toilets, fix my  car , change my oil or want to do anything outside the house. He is no where near as social as I am but those are minor things right? So why do those little things affect the relationship so much? Why do I get mad when he doesn't flush? Why does it bother me that he doesn't do things that are considered " guy" things? Am I looking for greener grass? Am I looking for a different type of grass that might have other flaws?What if I lose what I have and never find anything better? at what point do we know the answers? When do we figure this out? All these questions circle in my head. Do I follow my heart? If so what does that look like? Am I destined to be alone? At my age I might never find someone to have children with so do I settle to the idea of not having a family? If I settle to that then why not stay where I am at? Only the lord knows where I am going to end up but I would love to have a sneak peak  and know in my heart that everything will be fine.

Why not?

As I have matured and gotten more comfortable with myself  I realized that I have lived my life by the rulebook too much. Yes it is not necessarily a bad thing and there is always a balancing act. I have realized that many times I should have done what I wanted to do try new things, get to experience more. I am now committing to myself to try out new things and try things alone. I recently went to the movies alone something I have always refused to do and it was not bad. I realized that sometimes it is ok do do things on your own. It gives you added strength and the ability to know that you can function under any circumstance. I still have to conquer going to a restaurant alone ( don't know if I can) but I plan on trying it soon. These things have gotten easier as I have gotten older and more comfortable with myself. I am excited for the opportunity to truly get to discover who I am and what I want. I look forward to lots of growth.

Support

It is true none of us get to choose our parents ( I got lucky here) and our siblings( Lucky again) but we do have the option to choose our friends. Many people claim to have many friends but I am very lucky to only have a few. The few that I have are true friend and friends for life. They are the friends that hold your hair when you are so drunk you vomit. The friend that is always there to give advice and more important listens . The friend who is ready to beat up a guy when he breaks your heart. The friend that encourages to better yourself . The one you know will help you with whatever you need whenever you need it. The one that always brings out your fun side no matter how down you are. The friend that comforts you when you receive the worst news of your life and gets you to laugh when you need it most. Each one of these qualities is from one of my friends. You will know which one you are when you read it. They are just one quality because my friends have many. They have become part of my life and while not blood related they are all my family . I appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for your friendship.