I need to figure this out

I need to figure out what it is about me that makes me so easily replaceable? I am like good luck chuck . I am good luck Crista.. every guy that I date  specially the ones I fall in love with end up finding the right person for them after me. They fall in love and meet the one they will marry after we break up. I guess I give  guys good karma. When will I get my own good Karma? Every time I think I found the one I am sadly reminded that I haven't . It is funny how I hear I am just not ready but miraculously they are ready right away when the next person comes around. I should get some sort of recognition for preparing them to be ready for someone else. I think I am the fixer and others are the beneficiaries. I don't know I need to really figure out what I am doing wrong because I don't want to be the lady that ends up with a dozen or more cats all alone. Like in the movie will i ever find the one i get benefits from?

Wow

So it is no secret I have been focusing on making myself a better person. I have been working on trying to take care of me and know that I am worth something. All my life I have struggled with compliments and self acceptance. I am making great improvements in this area. Today was not a good day though. Someone who I thought would be the most understanding and supportive of this really hurt my feelings. Here is where the proud moment comes in. It hurt and it hurt really bad and as I struggled to hold back tears when I read the message I received from them I started thinking Maybe I am a bad person Maybe I am becoming something and someone that I am not. Then I took a step back and thought that is not it. I am a good person. Just because I don't take care of everyone ahead of me does not make me a bad person. I felt really distraught and to be quite honest I still do . But it is not because I feel that I am a bad person or I am not worth things. I feel this way because I am sad and disappointed that who i thought would be my biggest supporter would hurt me this way and maybe on purpose . While this person has given me a lot  I have put myself in binds to give to this person. The first time I say no to something and honestly it is for every one's best interest they say hurtful things really took me by surprise. I will probably cry from hurt feelings and it will take me time to work through it but the one good thing out of it is for a change in my life i don't regret my decision and I know that it has nothing to do with me that it is a choice they are making. I am just going to chose to not let it take me back to the old me who would take 100% of the blame and put myself somewhere I should not be just to make people happy. It is a tough road I have chosen to take but day by day situation by situation I will get better .I am determined to become a better person and know my own worth.

Co Dependency

For my entire life I thought that a co dependent person was someone that needed people to take care of them to do things for them. I have always been very independent and never would have thought of myself as being co dependent but the truth is I am. I don't need someone to take care of me at all. However I do need people to take care of. I feel empty without having someone to take care of. That was my first step in furthering the discovery of myself. I started seeing a therapist and realized that for my entire life I have put others needs ahead of my own. Some of the things I have learned in the last month and a half have been so valuable to me and they are so basic  how can I not see them. Well the answer to that is I have been stuck in a cycle and it feels so good to break out of it. Do I still have co dependent behaviors? absoloutely, it is now about me realizing that I do and stopping them. You can't change 31 years worth of habit in a month and a half. This is something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life but I know it will get better. Growing up I was always hard on myself  I thought if I was a great student, If I was a well behaved kid I would be able to get my dad to love me enough to stop drinking . I thought I just had to win him over with my love. When this didn't happen I didn't sit there and think of  the fact that it had nothing to do with me it was all to do with the choices he made for himself and for his situation. I would sit there and think what am I doing wrong what can I do better to get him to change. This has bled into my adult life. I always think if only I was good enough this would happen or that would happen. The truth is Other peoples behaviors is not a reflection of my self worth.  How knowing and understanding this piece of information would have helped me in my younger days. I don't need to be the care taker and do everything for everyone to have them like me. The truth is I need to for once in my life and going forward start making myself the priority. I can't control the decisions people make. I can't control their behaviors. I can only control myself.  I am doing much better now not obsessing over people's behavior and trying to figure out what is wrong with me that caused it. I have less stress and I am no longer emotionally exhausted 24/7  which has been an adjustment. This is starting to feel good and I am starting to feel so much better about myself.