I need to figure this out

I need to figure out what it is about me that makes me so easily replaceable? I am like good luck chuck . I am good luck Crista.. every guy that I date  specially the ones I fall in love with end up finding the right person for them after me. They fall in love and meet the one they will marry after we break up. I guess I give  guys good karma. When will I get my own good Karma? Every time I think I found the one I am sadly reminded that I haven't . It is funny how I hear I am just not ready but miraculously they are ready right away when the next person comes around. I should get some sort of recognition for preparing them to be ready for someone else. I think I am the fixer and others are the beneficiaries. I don't know I need to really figure out what I am doing wrong because I don't want to be the lady that ends up with a dozen or more cats all alone. Like in the movie will i ever find the one i get benefits from?

Wow

So it is no secret I have been focusing on making myself a better person. I have been working on trying to take care of me and know that I am worth something. All my life I have struggled with compliments and self acceptance. I am making great improvements in this area. Today was not a good day though. Someone who I thought would be the most understanding and supportive of this really hurt my feelings. Here is where the proud moment comes in. It hurt and it hurt really bad and as I struggled to hold back tears when I read the message I received from them I started thinking Maybe I am a bad person Maybe I am becoming something and someone that I am not. Then I took a step back and thought that is not it. I am a good person. Just because I don't take care of everyone ahead of me does not make me a bad person. I felt really distraught and to be quite honest I still do . But it is not because I feel that I am a bad person or I am not worth things. I feel this way because I am sad and disappointed that who i thought would be my biggest supporter would hurt me this way and maybe on purpose . While this person has given me a lot  I have put myself in binds to give to this person. The first time I say no to something and honestly it is for every one's best interest they say hurtful things really took me by surprise. I will probably cry from hurt feelings and it will take me time to work through it but the one good thing out of it is for a change in my life i don't regret my decision and I know that it has nothing to do with me that it is a choice they are making. I am just going to chose to not let it take me back to the old me who would take 100% of the blame and put myself somewhere I should not be just to make people happy. It is a tough road I have chosen to take but day by day situation by situation I will get better .I am determined to become a better person and know my own worth.

Co Dependency

For my entire life I thought that a co dependent person was someone that needed people to take care of them to do things for them. I have always been very independent and never would have thought of myself as being co dependent but the truth is I am. I don't need someone to take care of me at all. However I do need people to take care of. I feel empty without having someone to take care of. That was my first step in furthering the discovery of myself. I started seeing a therapist and realized that for my entire life I have put others needs ahead of my own. Some of the things I have learned in the last month and a half have been so valuable to me and they are so basic  how can I not see them. Well the answer to that is I have been stuck in a cycle and it feels so good to break out of it. Do I still have co dependent behaviors? absoloutely, it is now about me realizing that I do and stopping them. You can't change 31 years worth of habit in a month and a half. This is something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life but I know it will get better. Growing up I was always hard on myself  I thought if I was a great student, If I was a well behaved kid I would be able to get my dad to love me enough to stop drinking . I thought I just had to win him over with my love. When this didn't happen I didn't sit there and think of  the fact that it had nothing to do with me it was all to do with the choices he made for himself and for his situation. I would sit there and think what am I doing wrong what can I do better to get him to change. This has bled into my adult life. I always think if only I was good enough this would happen or that would happen. The truth is Other peoples behaviors is not a reflection of my self worth.  How knowing and understanding this piece of information would have helped me in my younger days. I don't need to be the care taker and do everything for everyone to have them like me. The truth is I need to for once in my life and going forward start making myself the priority. I can't control the decisions people make. I can't control their behaviors. I can only control myself.  I am doing much better now not obsessing over people's behavior and trying to figure out what is wrong with me that caused it. I have less stress and I am no longer emotionally exhausted 24/7  which has been an adjustment. This is starting to feel good and I am starting to feel so much better about myself.

Expectations

As far back as I can remember I have been a planner. I was going to go to USC, going to meet this guy and fall madly in lover. We were going to date for about a year and then move in together. After another year went by we were going to take a trip to Italy and he was going to propose on a gondola ride and of course I was going to cry and say yes. We would take about a year to plan a wedding and have a wonderful lavish wedding open bar of course. My sister would be my bridesmaid my dad would walk me down the isle. I would wear a beautiful dress with a diamond tiara. Well things don't always go as planned and that is a hard adjustment to make. Now I have had two long term relationships one was 5 years one was 6 almost 7. The first one was miserable I was just too scared to be alone so I was just fine when it ended. When i met the second I believed deep in my heart that this was forever. I could not imagine my life with anyone else . I was 500 percent sure that this was where I would happily spend the rest of my life. I gave my whole heart and never looked back. About 6 months into the relationship the first bump showed up and quite honestly only one of the very few bumps. I found out he did not believe in marriage and did not want to have children. I wasn't ready for marriage or children so I figured I could wait he would come around eventually. Years passed and little by little my plans were forced to change. My sister was now my brother. My dad passed away and he never changed his mind. I loved with all my heart and put my plans aside thinking love conquers all. My dads passing made me realize the importance of family. It made me realize that I did want a family I did want to get married. So I stared doing something unconsciously that looking back I wish I would have never done. I started to detach myself emotionally from everyone and everything. Time passed and I eventually realized that I was no longer sure I was in love. I knew I loved him but was I in love? That is where this journey starts the scariest part of the story is I don't know what the ending is. It could be my happily ever after ending or it could be an ending nobody wants. After i realized I no longer knew where i stood I expressed this to him. He agreed to give me some space but won't agree to take a break. In his mind either we are on or we are forever off. He is a very nice guy an amazing guy. The good guy that every girl out there is looking for and wants. Doesn't drink. do drugs, has a job. He is the guy that makes you tea when you are sick and gets you midol and tampons when you need it . Has never cheated or refered to me in any derogatory way. He has put up with my emotional rants and raves. He was there to help my dad when he needed it most without even being asked too. So what is wrong with me why does it matter that he doesn't fix toilets, fix my  car , change my oil or want to do anything outside the house. He is no where near as social as I am but those are minor things right? So why do those little things affect the relationship so much? Why do I get mad when he doesn't flush? Why does it bother me that he doesn't do things that are considered " guy" things? Am I looking for greener grass? Am I looking for a different type of grass that might have other flaws?What if I lose what I have and never find anything better? at what point do we know the answers? When do we figure this out? All these questions circle in my head. Do I follow my heart? If so what does that look like? Am I destined to be alone? At my age I might never find someone to have children with so do I settle to the idea of not having a family? If I settle to that then why not stay where I am at? Only the lord knows where I am going to end up but I would love to have a sneak peak  and know in my heart that everything will be fine.

Why not?

As I have matured and gotten more comfortable with myself  I realized that I have lived my life by the rulebook too much. Yes it is not necessarily a bad thing and there is always a balancing act. I have realized that many times I should have done what I wanted to do try new things, get to experience more. I am now committing to myself to try out new things and try things alone. I recently went to the movies alone something I have always refused to do and it was not bad. I realized that sometimes it is ok do do things on your own. It gives you added strength and the ability to know that you can function under any circumstance. I still have to conquer going to a restaurant alone ( don't know if I can) but I plan on trying it soon. These things have gotten easier as I have gotten older and more comfortable with myself. I am excited for the opportunity to truly get to discover who I am and what I want. I look forward to lots of growth.

Support

It is true none of us get to choose our parents ( I got lucky here) and our siblings( Lucky again) but we do have the option to choose our friends. Many people claim to have many friends but I am very lucky to only have a few. The few that I have are true friend and friends for life. They are the friends that hold your hair when you are so drunk you vomit. The friend that is always there to give advice and more important listens . The friend who is ready to beat up a guy when he breaks your heart. The friend that encourages to better yourself . The one you know will help you with whatever you need whenever you need it. The one that always brings out your fun side no matter how down you are. The friend that comforts you when you receive the worst news of your life and gets you to laugh when you need it most. Each one of these qualities is from one of my friends. You will know which one you are when you read it. They are just one quality because my friends have many. They have become part of my life and while not blood related they are all my family . I appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for your friendship.

What did I do wrong?

So you have a great amazing time everything seems to be going great then the phone stops ringing or he decides that you are not the woman  for him. What comes next is insane and crazy we spend all our time talking to our girl friends about what we did wrong. Going over and over every detail  of the last time we saw this person. Then we spend all night laying in bed wondering what exactly we did wrong. Was it something we said that scared them off ? was it something we did?  We spend all these hours going over every single detail and trying to figure things out. The truth of the matter is simple we did not do anything wrong! Why does it have to be us that did something wrong? Why do we as women devalue ourselves ? If this man could not appreciate you for everything that you are then was he even worth it?  The answer is No . We as women for some reason are pre programmed to not truly see our self worth. We always think it is something we did when that is not always the case.  The hardest yet the best thing we can do is  truly realize our self worth. See ourselves as the prize that we are instead of inferior to any man. We can talk all we want about how much better we were than this man and how he didn't deserve someone like us but the truth is we need to truly believe it.